Disconnect

This was perhaps one of the hardest periods I've ever come across.  I felt somewhat disconnected and discontent with my Father.  I couldn't quite figure out why but I lacked motivation in pursuing Him.  

It felt like my only source of comfort and strength left me.  I often felt hopeless, depressed, and restless.  Deep inside I knew I couldn't really find dependence on anything else.  I always knew that it was God’s grace that brought me this far in life and I owed everything to Him.  Even if I attempt to prove myself, it would always ends up with God displaying His great love.  I felt stuck in a state of disconnect from the Father and there was nothing else for me to rely upon.

Somehow my past disappointments and unanswered prayers became idols in my heart.  I subconsciously allowed them to come in between the relationship with my Father.  I felt dissatisfied with Him for not answering; not responding; not comforting; not providing; and not defending me.  I didn't understand why I felt that way and yet I didn't really want to admit it.  I was overwhelmed by a sense of feeling unwanted by my Father and deeply hurt by His inaction.

In some ways it’s similar to any relationship with anyone.  When we are hurt or dissatisfied, we simply want to drift away.  Part of me drifted away from Him without realizing.  I often tried hard to press on but my heart simply didn't want to respond.  I would rather browse the web, play games, or just distract myself with busy work to stay numb.  I didn't want to spend time with my Father because I couldn't find what I wanted from Him.  My longings and obsessions became idols in my heart.  Like a good Father that He is, He would never hand me over to my silly idols.

I didn't really realize this until recently as I started to reflect on my conversations with people.  Deep within I wanted to complain about my Father to those who tried to understand my heart.  I wanted to whine about Him for not wanting me simply because He wasn't answering my prayers in ways that I was hoping for.  But now I understand why He didn't do want I wished Him to do.  He knew that greater harm would come upon me if He did what I wished Him to do.  Even though I tried hard to not sound like I'm complaining about my Father, but deep down I was merely an infant throwing tantrum at Him. 

God recently reminded me of the parable of the prodigal son.  Sadly I became the older son who grew dissatisfied with his Father.  I've forgotten my Father’s love for me because I haven’t felt it for so long.  I am ashamed to admit that I even started to desire for other things instead of simply being with my Father.  My unfulfilled wishes became idols in my heart.  It’s not worth letting these idols get in the way of relationship with my Father.  God is soooo much more satisfying!  I pray that my heart would realize this and fully surrender to Him.  Once again I must remind myself to trust Him because Father knows best.

"I am your shield, your great reward." Genesis 15:1